“Dad has cancer,” she told me, “and it doesn’t look good.” A call informing me about his illness had come from my sister a few months before. Less than a year after I stopped speaking to my father for the last time, he died. But in this sleepless, grueling cycle, as my heart exploded with love, I knew I needed to focus on where my life was going instead of returning back to what it had been. My days consisted of round-the-clock feedings, crying babies and walking circles around the house as I bounced them in my arms. The first few months after the twins were born were a blur. My decision was met with anger I didn’t have time to care. From the confines of my bed, I wrote him a letter saying I needed to cut off communication again. The pregnancy soon became high risk when a medical emergency left me on bed rest for several months. I didn’t have it in me to keep the charade going in the midst of it.Īlthough the procedure was successful and I became pregnant with twins, the relief was short-lived. My body was bruised from endless shots, my emotions dizzy from the hormones. The experience was too personal I was too raw. It was then I began ignoring my father’s calls. But that man was for everyone else, not for his daughter, once the trust between us was gone.Ī few months into our reconciliation, after two years of struggling with infertility, my husband and I started the process of IVF. He was the kind of person who made a party. He was spontaneous, adventurous, funny and charming. He had remarried (for the third time), had finally stopped drinking and wanted to try and repair our relationship. A few years after my wedding, he sent me a letter. It lasted many years - through all my college days, my early 20s and after I got married. It wasn’t long after that that our first estrangement began. Those words solidified for me that change was not going to be an option for us, and told me never again to open myself to him. I don’t remember much of what it said except two sentences, “You could learn a lot from a dog. The letter was vulnerable and honest, and even though everything up until that point told me not to, I allowed myself the one thing I shouldn’t have -hope.Īfter I mailed the letter, I checked the mail every day awaiting his response. I knew I wasn’t brave enough to say what I wanted to his face, but I was naïve enough to believe I could put together words on paper in such a way that it would move him enough to change.
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When I was in high school, I wrote him a letter. But that man was for everyone else, not for his daughter, once the trust between us was gone.
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